Saturday, May 20, 2017

Please Hear What I am Not Saying - Assessing a Suicidal Caller (Shared from Junie Aunty's Post)

This is a post on fb by Junie Aunty (Jayanthi Jaisimha). It's self-explanatory. It's also worth a read. More so these days. Thanks for sharing Junie aunty.

"Doing cleanup of a messy cupboard in my TV room and came across all sorts of treasures. Lots of MLJ Clippings and photos and letters from ages ago which prompts me to put it together someday in a book perhaps, perhaps.
But also came across something that interests me because we all wear them. Masks. Something we had to learn to break through when I was volunteering for suicide prevention in my time. The task of assessing a suicidal caller. This is a cry from the depths of the heart. From a presentation at a Befrienders National Conference.
Don't be fooled by me,don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a thousand masks, masks I am afraid to take off and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled. For Gods sake don't be fooled.

I give the impression that I am secure, that all is sunny and unruffledwith me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one. But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear and aloofness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.

That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation. And I know it. That is, if it is followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It is the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself. That I am worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I am afraid your glance will not be followed by love and acceptance. I am afraid you will think less of me, that you'll laugh at me, and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm no good and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my desperate game with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks and my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in the suave of surface talk. I will tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when Im going going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen to me carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say,what for survival I need to say but what I can't say.

I dislike hiding. Honestly! I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the phony game. I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me, but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of breathing death. Only you can can call me into aliveness.

Each time you're kind and gentle, each time you try to understand me because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings.with your sensitivity and concern and your power of understanding you can breathe life into me.I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be the creatingof the person that's me if you choose to. You alone can release me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely person. Do not pass me by. Please do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the more blindly I strike back. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than walls. And in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands; for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I,you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am YOU
Yes this is me calling you.
Paradox. The easiest trap to fall into for a volunteer is to assess a caller at 0 level.

Know this is a long post and my index finger is hurting, but even if one person relates to this, it's worth it."

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