The Paradoxes of Our Lives - True Happiness Lies Somewhere Tilted Towards 'What Is' than 'What Could Have Been'

Our lives are caught up in the gap between 'what Is' and 'what could have been'. And therein lies all sadness, regret, trauma etc. Unhappiness.

When the balance tilts completely towards 'what could have been' we're surely headed for unhappiness. It's complete denial from reality while wishing something else. 

When the balance tilts completely towards 'what is' we are rather resigned to our state. But what it does is make us live in the present which is good. But it has the danger of not wanting more - knocks out all ambition.

A balance between the two would be great. The tilt should be towards 'what is' because it keeps us grounded. And from there, with roots in the ground, one can aspire to 'What Could Have Been''. Gratitude for 'what is' makes fertile ground for 'what could have been'. Makes even better things happen than what we can imagine. 

Thought for the Day - Why We Allow Only Some to Hurt Us

It's interesting. But we allow only some people to hurt us. Most others we don't care but there are a few people in our lives who we give the power to (most times with no real reason).

With these people who we give the power to - we feel they have understood us (or perhaps we would like to believe that they understand us). And in our desire to be understood and to understand them, we open ourselves up, show our most vulnerable selves and voila- even a whiff of air that goes the other way hurts.

Why we do that is perhaps our desire to have someone understand us to the level of vulnerability we have opened up to. But that's not their problem - it's ours. We cannot trade our vulnerability to their understanding. 

What's the solution? I guess it's to understand ourselves first and not expect the world to understand us. By that I mean that we choose not to get hurt but still be open and vulnerable. 

It's a fine balance - needs practice. A lot of practice. And understanding of our self.

Adieu Mr.Subaraman - Boss, Mentor and an Unforgettable Human Being

We had four bosses in BDD those days in the mid 90s and I worked with three of them during my time in IDBI, Mumbai. Mr Subaraman was easily the boss with the most energy, the most mischief, the most intelligence and most fun. He was the kind of a boss who would show up in the list of bosses who made a positive impact on your career, someone you would always  stay in touch, someone you could call up for advice or just to hear an encouraging word. He is in my list for sure and am sure in the list of many of my colleagues.

Mr Subaraman deep in thought (probably thinking of how to improve something that was said or done)

The first thing I remember about him was his smiling face, his boundless energy, his fun demeanour. He had a sharp brain, understood people well and their limitations and motivated them accordingly, rarely lost his temper and was always ready for a laugh. 

In my early days at IDBI Mumbai, I would go early to work and try my hand at poetry - a poem a day was my challenge for a while - until one day Mr Subaraman came to my desk (he always did that, never summoned us by phone to his room which had a magnificent view of the Arabian Sea from the 14th floor of the WTC Tower) to drop off a paper. He read my poem, asked me a couple of questions about it and with all seriousness advised me to stop writing poems. 'They are depressing,' he told me. I continued writing of course and would pull his leg about it for many years - that he throttled a young poet's voice then and there. He would laugh and repeat - but they were depressing.

I would like to believe that he had a particular liking to our bunch of friends - Parag, Mony, Mahender and me - and would always exclaim - you guys are so tall. But then, we all looked up to him and I am sure he knew that. His relationship with Mahender was very different - Mahender, the deep, taciturn, witty Haryanvi and Mr Subaraman, the genial, full of beans Tamilian. We would all have a laugh after one of their famous discussions. He had a very academic relationship with Mony who as a CA rank holder perhaps understood finance like he did. Parag he had a lot of respect for because somehow Parag commands respect by his very presence and with me, we were mostly shooting the breeze because that was what I was good at. Since three of us were in the IDBI cricket team (Parag, Mony and me) he would tell us stories of the days he would play cricket - if I remember right he fancied himself as an off spinner. He must have been good with his guile and his way of foxing people.  

The picture by Landmark Bookstore guys - Immensely grateful

Professionally he had one of the clearest minds I have seen - he understood finance well, he understood business and marketing and he understood human nature. Not many were good at so many aspects of managing businesses - it's just a sign of intelligence. For example, he would encourage me to go on client visits in Bombay which was unheard of then (but which is such a basic thing when you're marketing anything). He always did what was good for the institution - no hanky panky. As a boss he would take time to mentor you, understand your limitations and give you inputs from there, was very patient and mostly fun. He made the grind of the work bearable with his happy demeanour.

He wrote an article with Mony, a very academic one which I would never have read but which made sense enough for the Economic Times to publish it. It was sent to the PMO and the FMO I hear. Quite an achievement and I remember him being quite excited about it.

He could simplify things in his own way to explain to the level of intelligence - one day he told me that we must understand industry like we understand a dosa stall - what's capex, what working capital, what's debt. what's equity. I used that analogy for ever in my classes (still use it, copyright Mr Subaraman). He could also complicate things and ask me stuff like what this ratio meant when used with another ratio and I am like sir, I can barely calculate this ratio right why are you asking me these questions. He would laugh and say, but you should know these things. Never with a 'how come you don't even know this' but with a 'I challenge you to learn this and believe you can'. That's a sign of a great motivator, someone who can always think of interesting ways to challenge you and make you feel equal to the task. He would have made a great coach, teacher.

I remember how he would deal with clients. If they came with some political pressure etc he would first put them in place by asking questions like - why is your company named so and so. It was a simple question but it gave an insight into their mindset. (I used that a lot later on, still use it.) He would be quite direct and sharp if they fooled around. I remember one time he went with our colleague Sati to recover some money from a client to Calcutta and was told that the concerned man was not in office. He figured they were fooling him so he came outside and hid behind a pillar or something and caught that guy when he stepped out of the office later! It's exactly the kind of stuff he was capable of doing.

And oh, he would get wild with any client who was lax enough to pronounce his name wrong - it is Subaraman not Subbaraman - only one b and not two, he would reprimand them severely! Many a promoter went red in the face trying to get it right, more so the gentlemen who were not from the South who squirmed and died to pronounce it right. I can still visualise him doing that.

Another time, he and I went to visit a windmill farm in Andhra Pradesh which had some 20-25 metre high windmills. He decided we should climb up the ladder inside the windmill. It was a tough, vertical climb and all we had were rungs to hold on to, but he climbed. As a sportsman who was still playing some amount of cricket I found it difficult but not my boss who was all smiles at the top of that swaying tower! With him you could always expect the unexpected.

I came away to Hyderabad after our division was shut but kept in touch with him. When I quit I told him. When he came to Hyderabad to meet Ravindra, another colleague of ours, he called me over to chat and I went to Ravindra's house and met him. 

When I visited Chennai for the launch of my first book launch in 2008, I invited him and he was glad to come all the way from Tiruvanmiyur to Mount Road at Nungambakkam, where Landmark Bookstore was. He said he would not buy the book and I was like sir, you have to buy, otherwise how will I make any money. Anyway he was adamant and made me buy my own book and gift it to him which was his guru dakshina and I was glad to do that because I learned so much from him. Even gladder that Landmark people took some pictures and he is there in the audience which is the only picture of his that I have. He read the book and gave me his feedback - this time very positive unlike his opinions of my poems. The next time I went for a book launch to Chennai for '50 Not Out' I invited him but he was away on some consulting work.

I kept updating Mr Subaraman of all the developments in my life - would call him every time in Chennai, even from Hyderabad at times. He would be very happy to hear from me and asked about my friends, my writing. He would always end with a positive word, a pat on the back, so you came away with a smile. I do not remember calling many other bosses like that. Of course I would send him copies of my books when I could.

The book launch event - R Mohan, renowned sports journalist, K Srikkanth, former Indian cricket captain, me and Late VB Chandrasekhar, former Indian cricketer and dear friend

Last I spoke to him was about a year ago when Parag came to visit me in Hyderabad. He was in Bengaluru then and he was happy to hear from us. And last year when Mony and I were in Chennai we spoke about him - don't know if we called him though. 

I am sure Mr Subaraman had enough going on in his life, but he would never tell us of his troubles and bore them alone and with a smile. There's so much to say and so many things to write but enough to say that Mr Subaraman, you've made a deep impact on me as you must have on so many more and I believe there's no better way to live a life. Every extra moment you spent explaining something, showing something through your actions, teaching, giving feedback, asking a question, challenging us, being eternally curious about life - every bit made a difference.  And I hope to imbibe some of it which is the best way to remember you.

This morning I heard from Sati that Mr Subaraman had moved on after a brief illness. Adieu, Mr Subaraman. It was such a pleasure knowing you. And for sure, I will not write a poem or a depressing note about you - I know you would not like it. You always wanted the world to be sunny and that's the way it should be.     

Nice Romantic Song - Mujhe Raat Din

From Sangharsh originally sung by Sonu Nigam, this is Tanishk Shukla's version from Indian Idol.

Thought for the Day - Prosperity is Being Present

While pondering over the question of what prosperity meant to me, I came upon this angle that so much about prosperity is about feeling content with what we have. The feeling of not having, is what messes with the idea of prosperity and it is this feeling that must be addressed.

The solution to it or rather the definition of prosperity can be just about being present. In the present there is no fear of the future, fear of lack, that sinking feeling of not having enough or of wanting more.

In the present, everything is fine. Everything is under control. Everything is handleable. Which brings us to the next thought - our real fear is the fear of losing control. Once we are ok to live without the feeling of wanting to control everything, we are sorted.

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - To be Good, We Must be OK with Being Bad

Being 'good' in the sense that we understand it, is about conforming to societal norms which by definition is not being our true selves. We are influenced by what we think society approves or disapproved which may not be 'good' at all - for us, and for society at large. Our silenced at the state of the world say it all. 

To be really 'good' in a true way, we must first accept the possibility, the presence of all that's 'bad' within us. It is only then that we can get out of the self righteous mode that most 'good' people land in which is a rigid way of looking at the world. When we accept the possibility of the 'bad' within us we get into a more compassionate world view where we understand others from their limitations and motivations just as we know that we have our own limitations.

Having given ourselves permission to be 'bad' (in this case being true to ourselves and our feelings) we can truly be good in the right sense. Good as in honest, fearless, compassionate and true. Which is not bad. 

Acts of Love - The Sweeper and the Squirrel

While on my walk today I heard the crackle on an electric pole and sparks falling. Normally people run away to safety and try to go as far away from such sparks and noises as possible but I saw this young woman, a sweeper, walk purposefully towards the pole while her colleagues did not move an inch.

I wondered if she had left her belongings near the pole which is the only reason I could think of for anyone to walk towards the pole - and watched her. She picked up something from the road and went to her side of the road. When I got closer,l i saw that she was holding a squirrel which was the one that got caught in the electric pole and got a big shock.

She was caressing the squirrel which lay lifeless in her hand. I stopped and asked her and she said that the squirrel got an electric shock and fell from the pole. Then she told me that there had been another incident recently but that squirrel had survived. She took it to a puddle and gave it water. I left her then, telling her that perhaps this squirrel would survive too and she nodded hopefully.

On my next round i could see her walking away from a distance and couldn't resist taking a far shot of this young woman of 25-30, her love for life, her compassion, her priorities in life. No one else had moved, just she, walking purposefully towards the electric pole and the squirrel. How nice that such people exist who share such love for animals or any form of life without getting paid. How nice for the squirrel to know it was cared for in its distress and pain. 

One act of love in all this madness is all one needs to get back hope, faith and belief. Well done young lady. I know you will get rewarded for your selfless acts of Love.