The Top Five Regrets of the Dying - Bronnie Ware

Bronnie Ware's blogpost (Inspiration and Chai) on the same subject got viral and she wrote a book on it, self-published it after 25 rejections, then got a publisher, and now its an international bestseller that's translated into many languages. This itself is a great story about pursuing your passions wholeheartedly and surrendering to the process. There are so many moments in the book where she talks about her life that we see that happening, surrender and doors open. But this is not about her as much as about the 5 regrets she figured from those who were dying.

Bronnie was a bank executive in Australia before she decided to explore life - like living on an island. She chucked up her secure career and went of to live on an island, then explored the Middle East and generally listened to her heart taking risks all the way. Of course she had her bouts of drinking, trying drugs and bad relationships along the way and she learned from them. When she ran out of money she moved into a house of an elderly lady in England as a live-in carer, which also gave her time to work on her creative pursuits - she writes, she composes music and she sings. Her time with Agnes taught her much, as Agnes spoke to her (one thing with all her clients was that they spoke a lot) and more importantly Bronnie listened, having made up her mind that she would look after Agnes as she would her own grandmother. Endowed with tons of empathy and love, Bronnie's good work was recognised and she was soon called upon to take care as a carer for terminally ill patients. And in those many conversations, intense moments of honesty and love and regrets, Bronnie culls out these five regrets of the dying.

They are

1) I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself - not the life expected of me 

2) I wish I'd not worked so hard 

3) I wish I had the courage to express my feelings

4) I wish I stayed in touch with my friends

5) I wish I had let myself be happier

Her clients are terminally ill - rich, not so rich, alone, having close families, having no communication, business people, professionals, successful executives, spiritual people - and Bronnie dealt with all of them with love and care. So much so that it leaves them both feeling the better for it (but in the end taking a toll on her too). Her patients suffer from guilt of not having kept in touch with friends, not telling their families that they love them explicitly, not being able to fulfill promises to their loved ones because they took one more job, waiting till their spouses died to live their own lives but then falling sick immediately and regretting not doing that earlier, a young man not able to forgive himself for the wrongs he did and not healing. Through their time with Bronnie they talk of their lives honestly, some make up with their families, some reach out to their friends (with Bronnie's help and they come to meet them). 

One of the clients, Pearl talks to her about money. 'If you love what you do, you become open to the flow of money. Fear blocks us up. Money is energy - one that brings good and happiness. But we give it power, chase it, fear it, obsess over it.' Another tells her 'Work should have a purpose.' To another Bronnie says 'Tell them you love them.' One another tells her 'Express freely. There's no need for guilt if we have made our best effort.' When one of her angry clients asks Bronnie 'Why are you so happy?' Bronnie replies - 'Just pretend to be happy. Smile.' A philosopher client says - 'Appreciate things as they happen.' Most profound stuff comes from this client, a man who has lost his entire family over the years but is still grateful and not a bit resentful and he says only one thing 'I have known love. Love is always present.'     

In the midst of all this she has her own challenges, of money, of her creative pursuits, of relationships, of nothing seeming to work, of a serious illness that requires surgery but she listens to her body and somehow cures herself of without surgery, of taking classes for prison inmates, at some point falling into depression and thinking of suicide and then getting a handle on it all and coming back. It's a lovely story and well, those are the regrets we don't want to have so start working on them right away. I loved her struggle to own the idea that she was an artist and putting herself out there, the story when she has everything organised for her song production but has no money and how she surrenders and a stranger walks into her life and offers her money, the time when the caravan park owner offers her free space when she has no money to pay for it, or when one of the client's family calls her for an assignment when she was sleeping in her car, many such lovely stories.  

Bronnie is into Vipassana meditation, yoga, and many things spiritual. She writes about her own life so honestly and with such vulnerability that one cannot help but feel exactly what she went through. Her empathy, her desire to be as transparent and as vulnerable and honest as she can with her life and her pursuit as an artist and a person, shine through. In the end, more than the regrets of the people she cared for with so much love, its her attitude to her work and her life that comes through. Bronnie's way of living itself, the risks she takes to follow her heart, the way the Universe also rewards her, shows her the way to use her talents and to give her experiences that makes her a better person. Its art that she brought to her life as a carer, painting each moment with love and empathy, and if she ever thought she did not do justice as an artist, she should look at that area as well apart from her writing and singing.

Good for you Bronnie. And I would love to take those five regrets and see what I need to tweak about them.   

Agra Sights - Agra Fort

Not far from the Taj Mahal on the right bank of Yamuna is the Agra Fort or Qila Agra or the Agra Red Fort which precedes the Taj Mahal by a century and a half or more. Semi circular in shape and built over 94 acres with double ramparts, bastions and four gates (the Amar Singh Gate through which we enter, the Khizri Gate the leads to the Yamuna, the Delhi Gate and the Akbar Gate. The Mughal Emperors ruled from here starting with Babur, Humayun, Akbar. Jahangir and Shahjahan until in 1658, Aurangzeb shifted the capital to Delhi. The Fort saw its glory days during Akbar's time and was a centre for learning and arts, commerce and religion. The Agra Fort is a UNESCO site.

Before the Mughals, the Agra Fort was ruled by the Lodis, in Sikandar Lodi's reign (1504-1505). Babur defeated Ibrahim Lodi at Panipat and took over the Agra Fort in 1526. In 1540, Sher Shah Suri, drove Humayun away and ruled from her till 1555 which was when the Mughals came back and reclaimed the kingdom and the Fort until 1761. From 1761 -74 the Jats of Bharatpur laid claim for a few years until the Mughals came back and ruled from 1774-85. In 1785 the Marathas took control and ruled till 1903 which is when they lost the third battle of Panipat and the power shifted to the East India Company, thereafter the British Raj and then Independent India.

Of the 500 buildings they say were within the Fort complex hardly 30 survive as they were destroyed by the British. The entrance to the Fort is very impressive with a grand entrance through the Amar Singh Gate (he was a great soldier who served with the Mughals). As is typical with Forts the path turns at right angles and there's another huge red sandstone gate. 

We walk in and went to the Bengali Mahal I think where Arman said were the quarters of Akbar and Jodha bai. Then came a baoli and then suddenly the red sandstone building ends and the white marble designs of Shahjahan show up. 

Diwan-e-Khaas

Diwan-e-Aam to the right and the Moti Masjid in the background to the left

There's the Diwan-e-Khas and the two buildings for Jahanara and Roshanara side by the side. From both we can see the Taj Mahal at a distance and Arman tells us that Shajahan designed this part of the Fort so that he could see the Taj from whichever point he was in. Of course, the Agra Fort is where Aurangzeb imprisoned Shahjahan and this is where he died.

We saw the Diwan-e Aam outside the palace complex and the Moti Masjid in the distance. A large part of the Fort is taken over by the armed forces so only about a quarter is open for tourists. Again, a very impressive structure.

We headed out and saw a statue of Chatrapati Shivaji and it struck me that this was where Aurangzeb had imprisoned Shivaji and from where Shivaji escaped with his son in a sweet basket. We headed out bought some petha and headed back. Good, short visit.         

Agra Sights - Taj Mahal

This has forever been on my list and I was feeling this sense of missing out - that I had not yet seen the Taj Mahal despite being in India and despite having traveled to Delhi so many times. At least on five previous visits I planned and failed until it finally happened this time - a day trip to see the Taj - four hours to Agra from Delhi, see the Taj and perhaps the Agra Fort and head back five hours. Bhasker's driver Suresh was available with his car and off we went at 6 in the morning hoping to reach Agra by ten It took an hour before we passed Noida and hit the Delhi-Agra Expressway and then zoomed on except for a small break for breakfast (paratha and makkan). On the way to Agra I used this link Anjali sent me called getyourguide.com where you can book your official guides because I did not want to waste time searching for and haggling with guides. The site charged some 800 bucks per head and I signed in both of us. A quick call back from the guide Shahnawaz who deputed Arman Akhthar to guide us gave me confidence that my money was not lost in the internet scam world. Arman told us where to pick him up. We were there at 10 am sharp. He was a handsome hero type fellow who told me he wanted to pursue cricket but his Dad would not let him.

First sight - Taj Mahal

Anyway, I had not bought tickets for the Taj Mahal so Arman made me book them online on an ASI site to avoid the queues. We parked someplace near the Taj, took a gold buggy type thing for a kilometer or so, and got off near the East Gate which is the place where all tourists enter from and walked through lines designated for Foreigners and Indians and some other type of classes, did security and walked through. Once inside we passed through a massive sandstone gate and suddenly to my right was this breathtaking sight - the Taj Mahal looming over the wall to my right. We were in an enclosure where there were four gates - the East Gate where we entered from and three others. The massive, ornate North gate is the one through which we enter to see the Taj. But just that glimpse of the white marble dome was enough to send my blood racing. No wonder 50 lakh visitors visit it every year.

Through the North Gate

Through the doorway of the North Gate we could glimpse the Taj Mahal again and once again it was such a teaser. Once inside the gate we got a proper look at it, unveiled, and well, there were hundreds of people along with us and none of us could not take our eyes off it. Arman took us along the left side of the garden after explaining that the two structures on either side of the Taj were a mosque  which is used for prayer now also (Taj is shut on Fridays for prayers) and the similar structure on the right being a guest house. In the middle, standing in shimmering white marble in all its glory, in perfect symmetry, the Taj Mahal where Emperor Shahjahan, the fifth  Mughal Emperor, and his beloved wife Mumtaz Mahal are buried. 

The Taj Mahal is an ivory white mausoleum built during 1631-1653 period by Shahjahan in memory of his beloved wife Mumtaz Mahal (who incidentally was born in Agra). It is now regarded as one of the seven new wonders of the world, Mumtaz Mahal was the wife that Shahjahan loved dearly and had fourteen children including Dara Shikoh, Aurnagzeb, Jahanara and Roshanara. She died while giving birth to her 14th child in Burhanpur in Madhya Pradesh and was later brought here and buried. Shahjahan wanted to be buried next to her after his death and the mausoleum only has those two tombs and none else. Mumtaz was the niece of Nur Jahan, wife of Jahangir, and was known to patronise scholars, poets and such and go to the battlefront with her husband. So much did Shahjahan love her that he was inconsolable and went into a year long mourning after which he emerged a broken man with a bent back and hair that turned white. 

He commissioned the mausoleum in a 17 acre area with a mosque and a guest house as a cost of what was then 320 lakh rupees and what would now be 52.9 billion rupees. Led by the architect Ustad Ahmad Lahori, who also designed the Red Fort in Delhi, 20000 workers and artisans worked on it with extreme precision, creating beautiful inlay work in the marble with semi precious and precious stones. Of the controversies around it such as the story that the workers and artisans were mutilated to prevent them for recreating anything like it, or that there was evidence that it was a temple built by Hindu Kings, they say there is no evidence.    

We walked along the side path, past the mosque and came to the Taj mausoleum area. Oh, by the way, tickets are for just viewing the Taj and for viewing the inside of the mausoleum. Once we step into the Taj area we are required to wear shoe covers so as not to damage the marble (much like what we wear in ICU's). These we can buy outside and come in all shapes and sizes and qualities. 

A closer glimpse of the fine work

Anyway, we went in, saw the tombs (or replicas of the tombs which were on display at the place where we were). The fine inlay work of designs in perfect symmetry, of semi precious stones of different colours (apparently the precious stones have been extracted by various forces), the floral patterns everywhere, the fine jaali work. I touched the marble, felt that part of the history and wondered and what made this possible. And then we stepped out, went to the backside of the Taj towards the Yamuna, saw the Mehtab gardens across the Yamuna, the ramparts of the Agra fort some 2 kms away to the left, the tall minarets that rose skyward and as Arman said, were tilted slightly towards the outside so that even if they fall they will fall away from the Taj and not on it! Such was the planning and thinking. Anyway they don't look like they will fall anytime soon.

We walked around the Taj, saw the guest house from far, watched people click pictures, pose for reels, husbands indulging wives, boyfriends indulging girlfriends and so on. Then down below where Arman decided to click pictures and not very good angles though. I find that there are guides who are good at photography and those who are not. 

The guest house to the right of the Taj

We walked to the place in the centre where most people take pictures from, obviously crowded at this time which was near noon, found some space and clicked a couple. And off we went towards the exit and I could not resist taking pictures until I left. If it looked like this at this time of the day I can only imagine how it must be at sunrise or sunset or in the moonlight or at night or from the Mehtab garden. Hopefully another time when we can visit the Fatehpur Sikri, Sikandra, Akbar's tomb. Itma Ud Dawlah's tomb and other stuff I missed (including a proper Mughlai meal).

Truly, a work of beauty, in that it captures your gaze and does not let go if it, not just lives up to its great expectations but exceeds it, makes you want more of it, makes you want to come back, makes you feel like its been fully worth it. What else does a work of beauty need to qualify as one of the greatest. And that's just the structure. There's a beautiful story behind it as well rooted in love.

Taj Mahal - check.     

Delhi Sights - New Delhi

We stopped for a moment at the junction on Kartavya Path (formerly Raj Path or King's Way), which stretches for 3 kms from the Rashtrapati Bhavan on one side and the India Gate on another. There were school kids, tourists and casual onlookers at the site. I got off the car and clicked a couple of pics. 

Rashtrapati Bhavan

Kartavya Path on Rashtrapati Bhavan's side 

Can see faintly the Jaipur column in front of the Rashtrapati Bhavan - a column sponsored by the Maharaja of Jaipur to commemorate the 1911 Delhi Durbar and the transfer of capital from Calcutta to Delhi. The column was designed by Edward Lutyens, the architect who was instrumental in the construction of New Delhi - so much that a part of Delhi was named after him as Lutyen's Delhi.

Kartavya Path with India Gate in the distance

Some other day I would have loved to walk up and down this Kartavya Path. But today I have promises to keep. 

Acts of Love - Love is Feeling that Closeness

Love is just that - a feeling of closeness, a bond that need not be said, looking in the same direction, knowing, feeling complete, feeling loved and understood. 

Love is just being. Sharing a moment. 

Delhi Sights - Purana Qila

Since I had time on my hands I decided to visit Purana Qila, popularly known as Pandavon ka Qila, presumed to be the site where the city of Indraprastha of the Mahabharata stood. 

Bada Darwaza

In 1533, Mughal Emperor Humayun, son of Babur, built a city on this elevated mound of earth and named it Dinepanah. However Sher Shah Sur defeated Humayun in 1540, and sent him fleeing for a decade and a half. 

Humayun Darwaza

Sher Shah demolished Humayuns city and remodeled it and what stands today have been built by Sher Shah. Humayun returned in 1556 and defeated Sher Shah's son and lived in the Purana Qila till he died here.

Sher Mandal - where Humayun died

The Qila is right next to the Delhi Zoo and since it was Women's Day, there was no entry fee. To the left before the Bada Darwaza, a trail takes you to a water body, a moat in its better days fed by the Yamuna, now used for more tranquil purposes such as boating. It has a nice walk around it too but today my focus was the Qila.

And no guides either, owing to a serious lack of demand I guess. As we entered the fort it was pleasing to see really well kept lawns, beautifully landscaped gardens, tall trees. Perfect for a peaceful outing. There were security guards guarding each of the ruins. Was interesting knowing that we were walking the land that was perhaps once walked on by the Pandavas, Humayun, Sher Shah. Hmmm.

Kila-e-Kuhna Masjid or Sher Shah Masjid

Suresh's interest in ruins has improved since yesterday and we went in through what was known as the Bada Darwaza. It's the huge main gate of the fort. We walked right along the walls which now houses various offices, until we got to the Humayun Darwaza, another massive gate. There were steps in a semi circular pattern and I figured this must be where they did the sound and light show.

 A little towards the middle of the gardens we saw this beautiful building, two storeyed, which is the place where Humayun fell and died while climbing down the stairs they say (in an opium haze say some who knows such details).  However the structure, good looking one, is called Sher Mandal. In fact even the gate that's called Humayun Darwaza was built by Sher Shah they say. Sher Shah Sur if we remember, was the one who unseated Humayun from Delhi, and had him on the run for 15 years. Sher Shah did some good work in Delhi when he ruled the city and this fort is more him than the Mughals.

To the right are excavated remains, a hammam or a bathing place, and a baoli or well. And then, there is the stunning Kila-e-Kuhna mosque or Sher Shah's mosque, which is brilliant in looks, architecture, design. Simply stunning. 

Lawns, pathways and trees

Out of a film setting

Gardens

From there we walked to the other corner where there was this Talaqi Darwaza, again great in scale. Many young lovers were around, finding quiet places, young families, girls who got friends to make reels while they posed in various ways. Delhi's wide open spaces are brilliant to just get a book and read and laze around. A whiff of a fragrant plant reminded us of the good life of the Kings and Emperors of those days. 

Talaqi Darwaza

Fully satisfied after an hour of walking around the Purana Qila, which by the way boasts of one of the better sound and light shows (now not functional), I walked out feeling quite satisfied.

Thought for the Day - Smile Without a Reason, It Makes You a Kinder Person

Taking my experiment of smiling for no reason (more as a way to being my best friend) further, I realised a couple of things - that it needs practice and it does instantly change your outlook to life for the better. 

For the first, I realise that I stop smiling for no reason if I am not aware. So I started practicing it on my walk - just smiling to myself. I think I'll soon get much better at it. 

For the second, I realised that the stretching of the lips automatically seems to turn the tap of kindness, compassion and love on. It's almost mechanical. All I do is stretch my lips and I become kinder to myself, more compassionate to myself and more loving to myself.

 And I am sure, to others too.

So, exercise those lips. Stretch them and you'll see some difference.