Hari Rao - A Perspective on Suicide

Hari Rao and I share a deep bond going. We go all the way back to 1989, our MBA days, where he was my senior. Energetic, outspoken, physical, competitive, compassionate - the taekwondo champion turned IRS Officer who served in the Income Tax for many years turned passionate chef and restaurateur turned entrepreneur and innovator who invented a stove that saved 50% LPG, was at the prime of his life aiming to be the next table tennis champion at 52 plus, was struck down by a stroke six months ago. Hari, who could not be contained ever, thanks to his overflowing energy, was suddenly confined to the bed and perhaps worse, dependent. It was going to be difficult for him despite the immense care and unconditional support he got from his wife Rekha, his son Lokesh and daughter Snigdha..

When I met him at his house in Bangalore on his way to slow recovery last month, Hari told me that he considered suicide. He could not take this helplessness, this dependence, the looks of sympathy in the eyes of people whom he always helped. And consider it he did, with all seriousness. And normally when Hari decides on things, he goes ahead.

A chat with his son Lokesh, now twenty-odd and a tall, handsome young man, with a clear and articulate mind, held Hari back.

'Are you tired of life or are you tired of your suffering?' asked Lokesh.

'I think you are tired of your suffering because of your inactive and incapable left side of your body,' continued Lokesh. 'It can be overcome by working on your body. The way you fight your suffering, you'll become a  benchmark for me, and I will remember it when I will fight suffering in my life. Ending your life or giving up is the easiest thing you can do. We are all working hard as a family to keep you alive and see that you recover. Even a small spark. You can't be selfish and take whatever little is left away from us.'

That set Hari thinking. One who always wondered, looked for meanings and causes and reasons, one who comes up with many existential questions and answers, found it an interesting perspective. He wanted to end his suffering, not his life. It was just that he thought, ending his life would end his suffering. But if he wanted to live and end his suffering there were ways to do it. Physiotherapy, attitude, acceptance were all open to him. He found his first option rather selfish at this point. He could be around and contribute to his family, his most precious possession now.

'Please spend more time with family mama,' said Hari to me. 'Because when you're bedridden, they're the only ones around you. However big the adversity, a strong family can help to fight it.''

Ever the competitor, Hari held on to that reed that his son offered and pulled himself from the brink. Now he is working on ending his suffering through his physical, mental and spiritual work. He is fighting to get back to life by ending his suffering.

'Write about this mama,' he told me yesterday over phone. 'If a person is thinking of committing suicide, they may not know the difference between ending life and ending suffering. If anyone thinks he is ending his suffering because he or she is ending his life, they've got to think again. They are different things. We need to work towards ending our suffering, not our life. Even if this story touches one person, it will be worth it.'

Thanks for sharing such a personal insight Hari. Thank you for trusting me with it. An impressive line of thought by Lokesh (Bunty, to us). Much needed for all of us - there will come a time when we may feel like its too much to bear. Hari's words will ring strong and loud then.