Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Wanted - Expletives Experts

As per recent events I understand that calling someone an illegitimate child is generally ok (honorable even, according to Ponting ji who believes that professional cricketers are rather different these days), even calling one's mother a certain something is also ok - but its not ok to call one by the name of an animal who according to Darwin lists among our forefathers. So the next time someone gets mad on the cricket field, ICC feels its fine errr its ok (fine's a bad word in cricket circles these days), if one raises certain moral issues with the other's female relatives such as wives, mother's and sister's (as one Mr. Materazzi did and got butted rather nastily on the bean by one Mr. Zidane) - as long as animals are not drawn into the issue.
In keeping the ICC's moral code errr model code, very soon it may be completely inappropriate to address anyone else as a dog (some friends call each other that- Ranvir, Vinay and company please take note), a cat (used appreciatively by some journos of some acrobats), a kitten (romantics may have to find new ways to describe their lovers, may we suggest "your sister's #$%), a bear (teddy or otherwise may be rascist), a pup (hey, that chap Clarke is called a Pup-come on ICC please banish that nickname), a jumbo (isn't that what they call Anil Kumble-or am I confusing that with Jammy-better still let's ban both jumbo and jammy under rule 257, level 5, degree 4), monk..(he he..can't catch us there pal, its a spello) its actually....donkey (used affectionately by school teachers across India to admonish certain rather dense elements in class), a hare (journos say that sometime to describe fleetfooted chaps now they'll have to use something like your @@#$).
Similarly we wont be able to say that someone sings like a bird (birds may take offence at being left out), nor can we say that some is crawling like an ant, or a mosquito, or say someone stings like a bee (sorry Ali...you can now sting like your mother's @@###).
Having thus burdened our cricketers (who are already physically and mentally burdened), with having to find new expletives, the ICC, and the English speaking have moved on, licking their respective chops at having fettered our boys' mouths with all this lingo business. I have a suggestion here. Instead of competing with the Aussies on their strengths, i.e. sledging and English expletives, I humbly suggest to the BCCI that the Indian team also include another support staff to its rather generous support team, in the form of a linguist. Preferably someone who knows as many Indian languages and dialects, of which we have a million, to cull out some choicest words to describe female relatives of the opposing players. It would be money well spent I am sure - politically correct, nationalistic, promoting near extinct Indian languages and fits in with the code. Maybe the Tourism and Culture departments could lend a hand here. After all its a question of Indian pride!!

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