The Paradoxes of Our Lives - What We Are Attached To, Will Get Questioned First

What we are attached to and what we try hard to be, will always be challenged and displaced easily. What we are not attached to, cannot be displaced easily.

For example if I thought I was an honest man and I try hard to be an honest man, it is something that can be easily displaced and challenged. That happens because we have a fixed and rigid concept of what is honesty and when viewed by any perspective by another person, may appear to be dishonest even.

Thus what we really want to hear from the others, that they feel your honesty is of a high quality, may never come primarily because we are too attached to our concept of honesty. What we crave for will thus actually backfire. One may even be called dishonest.

It is better to be flexible, to act well and in the right spirit, but not crave for recognition of the same by others. To expect others to define it exactly the way you want it shows a kind of obsession to be that - one is trying too hard to be that which in itself is questionable.

You know what it means to you and that should be good enough. It is none of your business what the others think of it. If you are honest and believe you have been, be content in that space. Do not expect others to get your honesty as you define it.

If others consistently say you are dishonest then its time to look at yourself. Like Osho said that Gandhi was actually a violent man because he perpetrated a lot of violence on his own body. So could we be dishonest with ourselves and others in ways we do not know.

Go easy then. Tread lightly. Have your principles, but do not make rules of them. Be gentler with life. Do what you have to, because you want to, but do not try to make a virtue of it.

A Slip Under the Miscroscope - H.G. Wells

H.G. Wells writes two wonderful stories 'A Door in the Wall' and ' A Slip under the Microscope' in this Penguin classic.

In 'A Door in the Wall' we have this aristocrat and a successful person who is haunted by a vision of a door (imaginary it appears) that he accesses as a child. The door opens into a wonderful life on the other side and he actually walks in and glimpses it once. As he goes deeper into his real and successful life, he does happen upon that door once or twice but is always too busy to go and explore it again despite wanting to. He talks about that door and about how he regretted not entering it when he could have and how he feels he has lost his chance to access that wonderful world. His friend to whom he narrates the story finds him dead soon after telling the story of the door, caught in a door like structure, perhaps trying to access a world he wanted to and escape the one he is trapped in. It could well be the dilemma a lot of us have.

In 'A Slip under the Miscroscope' we have the son of a cobbler who lives life correctly and who is an ace student at a prestigious college. The boy makes an inadvertent error of glimpsing what the other brains in the class, a aristocratic lass, had done, in a completely unintentional act. He tops again as usual and she comes in a close second. And though the result might not have been impacted because he saw what he was not supposed to see, he struggles with his conscience, and approaches the department head. Instead of merely taking the results of that experiment out, the head suspends the lad for having confessed to this error in judgment. When he leaves, the brainy girl who now tops the class, says he is after all the son of a cobbler and much cannot be expected of him. Conscience one would think, is the preserve of the poor and weak, and helps them stay where they are. If there is one thing to learn - don't listen to your conscience, flow with what life offers you and mostly, keep your mouth shut. A bit like what Salman Khan did and so many others before him.

Nice stuff and very different writing style. H. G. Wells was an interesting person who wrote 100 books (I'd love to aspire for that number), married twice, was an avid proponent of free love which he practiced by having extra marital affairs (which is probably why he writes about conscience - my theory is that we write or try most to be what we are most bothered about). The great quality of his writing is that I found the style rather winding and convoluted (needs concentration) but the story and its sub-text remains quite clear when you want to access it. I think its a wonderful quality for any writer to have - that the story and most importantly the questions it asks remain clearly.

Meeting Rohini Hattangadi

When Shobhs went on a trip with her cousin Suhita's colleagues on the popular Marathi serial 'Honar Soon Mee Ya Gharchi" a couple of years ago, the first thing I said was 'Can you get me Rohini Hattangadi's autograph?'. I am not much of an autograph person and there are few people who I would ask for an autograph but Rohini Hattangadi somehow brought out that reaction from me. Rohini was gracious enough to give me her autograph too.

Last week the same group of friends - Rohini Hattangadi, Suhita Dharmadhikari, Smita, Purnima and Supriya (in the serial they all live together in a house where there are seemingly no men) visited Hyderabad on a vacation. The last two days of the trip were spent with us at our home. Of course they were all more than welcome to stay, and I only wondered if they would be able to slum it down with us. Suhita said they were absolutely cool with it and the idea was to have fun.

In little ways, despite the severe shortage of time, as they were travelling a lot, I got a glimpse of Rohini Hattangadi up close and once again I felt, there was something to this greatness in people. There are certain underlying traits that make them special so that life runs up to them and offers them its best.

All first impressions of her name bring back visuals of Richard Attenborough's 'Gandhi' where she played Kasturba Gandhi. She played the role when she was 27 and sometime after played the role of Anupam Kher's aged wife in 'Saaransh' when they were both just 30s perhaps. The images from Gandhi remain etched in our minds as also the many character roles she played with complete dignity - even those villainous ones. Rohini Hattangadi, says Wikipedia, is the only Indian actress to have won a BAFTA for her role in Gandhi which is a huge honor. A national film award and two Filmfare awards accompany that. I love the fact the she continues to work, travel and just go with the flow instead of withdrawing from life.

From her first hello at home, I found her very grounded. She graciously gifted me a shirt that all my lovely guests bought for me and advised me 'Try it. I hope it fits'. It fit and very well too. That evening we spent a bit of time before dinner, discussing a bit of Hyderabad's history or what I knew of it. I told them about the Qutb Shahis and the Nizams, the nan as the emblem on the Nizam's flag, of the palaces and their significance, and whatever I could remember. There was easy banter and humor at the table and they adjusted with an ease I would not have thought possible.

Suhita knows of my penchant for interviews - I interviewed her and Jayant (though I have still not put Suhita's interview up yet) - so she prodded me and said I should interview Rohini. It was topmost on my mind ever since I heard she would be coming but I was unsure because they had such packed schedules. I said I would love to and asked Rohini for some time. I wanted her thoughts on acting, on the craft, on preparation. Rohini was more than willing and said she would.

The first thing that strikes you about her is the complete lack of airs. She is very approachable and there is not an iota of energy about her which says - man she is a busy person who is involved with herself so let's not disturb her. She is aware and present totally, as a person, not a star.

As we early risers crowded around the table for morning tea the next day, Suhita introduced me as a writer and a cricketer. Rohini told me of her uncle CP Joshi who was a cricketer too and who played in Rajasthan with Ranjitsinghji. While Suhita told them of my cricketing exploits I quipped that it was so long ago and that I think people should only talk of what they did in the last five years. Rohini laughed at herself and said 'Don't I know that?  I have been stuck with the Gandhi image for so many years now.' I really admire people who can laugh at themselves. I can't.

While discussing 3 Idiots I put up rather harsh and unreasonable arguments against the movie and it was interesting to see how vehemently Shobha and Suhita defended Hirani's wonderful piece of work while Rohini listened and responded indulgently. Okay you have your own views though they appear rather biased and silly was the feeling but what's important was that I felt I was allowed to have my say. I also love people who respect people with differing opinions.

Next day I could spend some more time with her at the breakfast table. I asked her what she thought was great acting. She said it was about how one makes the viewer believe that the character is feeling what the character wants to convey. She said this is something that happens differently each time an artist addresses that role - one's experience adds depth she said. When I asked her about how important stillness is (quoting Morgan Freeman), she thought for a bit. Then she said 'I remember Shekhar Kapoor once telling Naseer on the sets of Masoom, to be still. Naseer had this habit of fiddling with set property all the time. Perhaps there was something about stillness there,' she said. It's an endearing quality to say she didn't really think too much about this stillness but that she could map an experience and connect it to the craft so quickly. They say this is a quality of experts - to have their template and long term memory and to be able to quickly retrieve it for use.

I asked her about the days at NSD where she studied 1971 on and won the award for Best Actress and Best all-round student. She also met her husband Jayadev Hattangadi who was her classmate and who won the Best Director award there. Rohini spoke of Ebrahim Alkazi and his demanding syllabus, the Stanislavski methodology, set design, the Kabuki play, the work ethic that was demanded of them, the many experts who visited them. The syllabus appeared daunting even as she reeled it off and one wondered how much effort went into passing that course. I asked her if people failed - she said yes. She spoke about how one guy was flunked by a narrow margin and how they had all pleaded with Mr. Ebrahim Alkazi and he said 'how could I pass someone who did not know about..." There was a great fondness in her tone as she recounted the stories of the NSD days where Naseer was one year senior to her and where she met her late husband Jayadev.

I asked her how she got inspired sometimes to find that elevated performance. I told her that I try to populate my mind with that elusive thought, search for the answer, and then suddenly out of the blue, it struck me. She agreed with the out of the blue bit. Once she said she was searching for a particular quality of tone she wanted to use for her role and suddenly on television she heard this voice and she said, yes, that's the voice I want to use. She tried it and it worked. She said she normally found what she was looking for without too much effort.

I told her about what I read about acting - from Naseer's book where he mentions how Om Puri worked on his craft and performed so well in a Kabuki play that left Naseer wondering how one could approach their work. It was not about talent - it was about careful, deliberate work. And about what Amitabh said once about it being all in the eyes. She said that in theatre one had to use the whole body while in cinema perhaps the eyes will do the trick.

After seeing the sound and light show at Golconda she shook her head and said - "why could they just not have some people play act a bit? It would have been so interesting to watch". I thought, yes, how interesting it would have been if there were real figures running up and down the fort. Wow!

We spoke about this and that and though I did not quite get the interview I wanted, I was glad I could discuss some ideas with her. I wanted to know more about how she approaches preparation, her craft, what worked and what didn't, her favorite roles and actors, performances she loved of her own and of others, what the craft means to her and her secret formula for great performances etc. But those apart I found this absolutely breathtaking humility - in the way she picked up my plate off the table after breakfast, thought not for a moment before cleaning up the table, had no qualms of a special place at the table or in the house. There is this completely disarming quality of just being grateful to life - even to the extent of asking me while she left - "I hope that our morning chat was enough". To have remembered that much, to know of people and be sensitive to their hopes and aspirations, of how things work, of her place in it, is easily what greatness is made of. Shobhs tells me the same things, of how Rohini never complained or sought special recognition or treatment.

If I have to take some learning from her it is this humility, this being so completely normal, this love for her craft which keeps her going to perform, this eagerness to learn and travel in complete anonymity, her ease with her younger colleagues and with strangers, there is much to learn. She says no more than required and no less, carries herself with grace and dignity and yet stays so simple and grounded.

This is an autograph I will surely cherish and perhaps I will conclude my interview sometime else. Thanks for your time Rohini and I hope we mwwt again so we can chat some more.

Mastering Coaching - Max Landberg

This book maps the coaching domain well. If nothing else you learn enough to drop a name here and there and nod knowledgeably when a particular term is used. I believe this is how we can get assignments - I know, I know. But you can see the field is vast and covers much and one has to be choosy about what one wants to know well enough to suggest to coachees.

The book has three parts - Sciences, Strategies and Situations.

Sciences covers Neuroscience, Sports Psychology, Positive Psychology, Mindfulness and Experiential Learning.

Strategies comprise of Expert performance, Six steps to mastery, Colin's Hedgehog and BHAG, McKinsey's Three horizons and Psychometrics,

Situations comprise of Role transitions, 360 degree feedback, Board effectiveness and dealing with Generation Y.

SCIENCES

Neuro sciences 

It provide an understanding of what the brain is trying to do which is - sense, interpret, decide and act. 

The core principles the brain works on are - prioritise survival, minimise energy use, strengthen oft-used circuits and use different parts of the brain in concert. 

Processes underlying this are - detect errors, spot threats, make schemas, find focus, create habits, avoid pain, use all parts, code of emotions and release of hormones.

As a coach to coachee - in stressed situations avoid making crucial decisions, label and reframe, socialise, use positive psyhcology and mindfulness and attend to health.
To make schemas and detect errors - recognise that change takes time and effort, don't keep telling someone to act differently, include don't alienate, chunk effectively, use visualisation, be consistent and trustable.
To gain rewards - check on perceived fairness, be consistent, appraise how you reward others.
In creating habits - examine inventory of habits and use power of customs and rituals when leading. In code of emotions - use emotions fluently and help client do so too, consider using role plays and vdeoed feedback to deepen skills.
To find focus - use mindfulness to achieve clearer focus, employ techniques of expert performances. In use the whole brain - check thinking styles of individual and team.

Implications of this are ability to learn to conceptualise, to get easily distracted, habit ridden, unable to genuinely multi task.

Sports Psychology
It can be used for motivation, arousal control, imagery, performance anxiety, deliberate practice, team effectiveness and self-confidence.
Three findings most relevant in Sports Psuchology are for
1) Controlling anxiety (thought control strategies such as blocking, singing, prayer etc, task-focus, emotional control, behavioral change such as following set routines)
2) Visualising success (physical rendering, get into the environment, imagine the task fully, time it similarly, learning, embed emotion, look from onlooker's perspective)
3) Setting specific goals - (SMART - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time bound). Process, Performance and Outcome goals. Set process goals first. Tim Gallwey's "Inner Game of Tennis" - only when the mind is still can you achieve peak performance.

Coach and coachee should adopt a perspective of awareness that is non-judgmental and coachee can be trusted to self-correct and self-improve if provided with good, non-judgmental feedback.

Coach's wisdom
High rating for players on competence and character - Lombardi
Human connection - Jack Stein
Lessons from cycling team - Set a bold and precise vision, obsess about marginal gains, draw knowledge from far and wide and know and nurture team ethos explicitly.

Ueul Steck - passionate, clear goals at macro, meso and micro levels, detailed schedules for training eating etc, coach and training buddy, invests in preparing mind as well as body.

Motivation - what's the pay off of the work.

Positive Psychology
This includes many names and what they are connected with. It will take a while for me to figure out what these are about but enough to name them all here.
Cognitive behavioral therapy - rational therapy (Ellis) and cognitive therapy (Beck)

Humanistic school
Traits - Allport
Psychosynthesis - Assagiolis
Existential therapy - Frankl
Freedom and identity - Fromm
Self - James
Self actualisation -Maslow
Full functioning - Rogers

Individualization - Jung

Flow - Csikszentmihalyi
Well being - Diener
APA's CEO - Fowler

Seligman's PERMA - (Positivity, Engagement, Relationships,Meaning and Accomplishment)

ABCDE Of resilience - (Activating event or adversity, Belief, Consequence, Dispute and Energising)

Flow - when we are completely absorbed in the activity, and action and awareness are merged.
Finding flow - clear goal, getting clear and immediate feedback, balancing skill and situation's challenge. 2 more were added to finding flow - being vested in the outcome and adjust goal to maintain congruence and minimise distractions.

Positive institutions - hope and motivation

Mindfulness
Paying attention in a particular way on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally.
Concepts of Impermanence, Source of suffering and Not-self.

Experiential learning
It is about learning from experience.
Process - Experience concretely, observe and reflect, form abstract concepts, test implications of concepts in new situations
Learning styles - activist, theorist., pragmatist, reflector,

5 crucial factors for executives - mental agility, people agility, change agility, results agility and self awareness.

Measuring impact - Kirkpatrick model
Level 1 - reaction to program
Level 2 - learning, increase in knowledge of capability
Level 3 - behavior, degree to which actual behavior indicates improvement in capability
Level 4 - results, degree to which an increase in performance translates into an effect on the business

STRATEGIES
Coaching strategies and techniques to improve.

Expert performance - An expert is someone who can demonstrate reproducible superior performance of designated representative tasks.

Schemata
Mapping domains that allows them to notice data, absorb them and remember them more quickly, insightfully and reliably. This is known as schemata.
"...allows rapid and reliable retrieval whenever stored information is relevant. Experts have acquired domain specific memory skills that allow them to rely on long term memory to dramatically expand the amount of information that can be kept accessible during planning and during reasoning about alternative courses of action" - K. Anders Ericsson

Experts
1) create templates for subject matter, amend them as needed and code information into them
2) discern rapidy how observations match template
3) elicit a solution from the template that is near final.

Chunking

Deliberate practice - 1) clear intent and commitment to goal 2) engagement to stretch activities beyond comfort zone 3) close and rigorous monitoring 4) generation of specific feedback

Crucible experiences - path breaking experiences

Six steps to mastery
Places (seeing excellence in action, gaining unexpected inspirations, building your personal network), Prior art (learning new techniques, gaining encouragement and inspiration)
Patrons (turn your boss into a patron, clients a source of referrals)
Productivity (delegate, teams)
Practice (experience, reflection, modelling and trial)
Passion

Collins hedgehog and BHAG
Hedgehog is about focus.
BHAG is about that audacious goal, so big that your client must go for it anyway since achieving even half of it is a worthwhile achievement.

What I do really well (expertise), What pays well (sustainability) and What I love doing (passion)

McKinsey's three horizons
H1 - defend and extend current core
H2 - build momentum of new areas of growth, built out from core
H3 - Seed and tend options for potential future growth

Psychometrics
NEO, STEN, Firo B

SITUATIONS
Role transitions - intellectual and social engagement
Preparing - completing exit from old role, sketching maps for forthcoming intellectual and social roles, setting up a personal support system
Engaging
Establish credibility early on
Build team and relationships
Continue to learn, but not too much

Building

360 degree feedback - Select respondents carefully, interview responses, use of numerical ratings, confidentiality etc. Validate information with complementary sources of information

Board effectiveness

Gen Y (1980-2000)
Baby boomers (1946-1964) - live to work, respect hierarchy and authority, resistant to new things and use of technology
Generation X (1965-1979) - instant gratification, work to live, expect quick rewards for high quality work, enjoy fun working environment, independence
Generation Y (also called millennials) - Collective action, team work, optimistic, trust centralised authority,
For Gen Y employees - worry about the right organisation - so it is crucial to instill a feeling of pride and that the firm is a friendly place. Set right expectations pre-recruitment, ensure high hurdles for applicants to surmount during recruitment, participate in induction activities.
Foster learning and reassure and build confidence, help them team

I like the three horizons aspect a lot. Most other stuff fell into place nicely. It allows you to pick and choose the topics you wish to know more about and focus on them. Need to revisit this to add more detail.

Nice - 'If You Love Someone' In a List of Top 5 Love Stories Not Made Into a Movie

So I get a link on my blog today.

It's a list of top 5 love stories not made into a movie. Pradeeta Mishra's.

'If you love someone' sits there in good company - 'Eleven Minutes' by Paulo Coelho, 'A Discovery of Witches' by Deborah Harkness, 'The Japanese Lover' by Rani Manicka and 'One Hundred Years of Solitude' by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

https://www.quora.com/Which-are-the-top-5-must-read-novels-love-stories-that-are-not-made-into-a-movie

Eyes Wide Shut - Move Review

Another one based on a novella. This one was written in 1926 by Arthur Schnitzler and was titled Traumnovelle (Dream Story). The movie 'Eyes Wide Shut' was produced and directed by Stanley Kubrick who died four days after he presented the final cut of the film. (Not connected.)

Eyes Wide Shut is also about how to keep one's mouth shut. Alice (Nicole Kidman), high on pot, confesses to her loyal and handsome husband Dr. Bill Hargrove (Tom Cruise) of a fantasy she had on a vacation about a naval officer. The images of her descriptions do not leave Dr. Bill who has a wild imagination one must say, and for some reason tries to take revenge, by getting laid. One way is to go to the prostitutes with whom he does not succeed at all. He finds another exotic route - a high class sex game set up with orgies, masks, cloaks etc. Dr. Bill despite all his close encounters with nude women and women who seem to be bent on seducing him, returns home, chastity intact and sobs on his wife's breast. Surprisingly, despite all that goes on in the movie, we realise both hero and heroine are still chaste and undefiled (if we keep their filthy thoughts out that is). They resolve to do what they had both set out to seek. All's well and that ends well. Or something like that, because a mask appears in his bedroom which makes no sense.

It is an unbelievably slow grind. So slow I wanted to get up and walk and come back. And long at 2 hours 39 min. But good enough to keep you hooked till the end. Watch another time. No thanks.

Pradeep - The Garbage Cart with Flowers

There is this family that brings a cart to collect garbage from every home in the colony. I never paid much attention to the cart nor the people for a long time. But the other day I was intrigued to find that the garbage cart was well maintained and even more surprisingly was adorned by a beautiful bouquet of plastic flowers on its handle. It was such a contrast to see that - a garbage cart and this little piece of adornment.

Young Pradeep on his way

But that's the beauty of life. In our little ways we try to improve life around us. What bothers us most we try to better it. We find pride in our work, our possessions and we reveal ourselves as we do that. I was really interested in knowing the story behind the flowers.

I kept a sharp eye out for the cart and the owners to ask them. Sometimes I'd find the cart but no owner. Then one day I found the cart but a small kid, no more than ten or eleven, collecting the garbage. There was no adult in sight.

Anyway I called him and asked him if I could take a picture of him and his rickshaw. He posed willingly. I asked him about the flowers. He said his mother had put it there. His mother and older brother normally come to collect garbage.

I asked him what he was doing. Does he go to school? Yes, he said. Then why are you here on a working day, I asked. I stay back to help on Mondays he said. There is a lot of work because garbage piles up over two days. So I have to help my mother.

That's it. No other thought.

You never know what kind of stuff people are going through. I asked him if he liked studying. He said yes. I asked him if he knew what possibilities existed if he studied well. He said he would get a job. I told him he could buy a house right here in this colony if he studied well. He looked embarrassed at the thought.

I asked him if he wanted some books to read. He was happy. I gave him a set of books, some workbooks, some storybooks. He ran away with them and put them somewhere. I asked him what he did with the books. He said he kept them safe - he will collect them after the round.

I asked him his name. Pradeep, he said proudly. And so Pradeep with his cart and his plastic flowers, his neat clothes and appearance, his pride at helping his mother, his dreams of a future cycled away from me.

There was a time when I used to lecture the kids about child labour but now I don't. If I was in his position I would want to help my mother and brother, even if I was small.

There's a visual from around that same time that stays with me. A small family of labourers were engaged in digging the road in our colony. Some four or five men and women. They had children not more than two years old or three - just about walking. Even as the father was shifting stones and bricks from the rubble, the two year old, all earnestness, picked up a stone his size and shifted it. He did that, one small stone by one small stone. One look at his face and you knew he had decided in that tiny mind of his what his duty was and he was it. Holding on to his father's leg for support and all focused on helping out. Parents, children, duty, expectations, work, survival. Life.

Everyone is fighting their own battle. All we can do is wish them well.