The Paradoxes of Our Lives - We Don't Act Because We Fear Consequences (Results)

The paradox is that we do not act because we fear the consequences of our action - we feel our act may not get good results so we freeze. 

The paradox however is that if we do not act we will get no result. Which is worse than some result. Which goes to say that we must act irrespective of the result. We must act with the thought that it will never something that we cannot foresee as of now. 

Action can bring in new vistas, open new doors. 

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - To Find Those Who Have Helped you the Most, See Who You Complain Most Against

 I do find this most interesting - that our biggest complaints are against those who have helped us the most - or at helped us in some way. Clearly we cannot have a complaint against those who do not help us - there's nothing to complain you see.

But those who help us we have problems with - the way they gave, how much, the manner, how they stopped giving, how they could have done more and so on and on.

I'm going to make a list of all the people I have complaints against and make it a practice to thank them everyday - simply because they are the ones who have helped me.

Life is a paradox.

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - True Happiness Lies Somewhere Tilted Towards 'What Is' than 'What Could Have Been'

Our lives are caught up in the gap between 'what Is' and 'what could have been'. And therein lies all sadness, regret, trauma etc. Unhappiness.

When the balance tilts completely towards 'what could have been' we're surely headed for unhappiness. It's complete denial from reality while wishing something else. 

When the balance tilts completely towards 'what is' we are rather resigned to our state. But what it does is make us live in the present which is good. But it has the danger of not wanting more - knocks out all ambition.

A balance between the two would be great. The tilt should be towards 'what is' because it keeps us grounded. And from there, with roots in the ground, one can aspire to 'What Could Have Been''. Gratitude for 'what is' makes fertile ground for 'what could have been'. Makes even better things happen than what we can imagine. 

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - To be Good, We Must be OK with Being Bad

Being 'good' in the sense that we understand it, is about conforming to societal norms which by definition is not being our true selves. We are influenced by what we think society approves or disapproved which may not be 'good' at all - for us, and for society at large. Our silenced at the state of the world say it all. 

To be really 'good' in a true way, we must first accept the possibility, the presence of all that's 'bad' within us. It is only then that we can get out of the self righteous mode that most 'good' people land in which is a rigid way of looking at the world. When we accept the possibility of the 'bad' within us we get into a more compassionate world view where we understand others from their limitations and motivations just as we know that we have our own limitations.

Having given ourselves permission to be 'bad' (in this case being true to ourselves and our feelings) we can truly be good in the right sense. Good as in honest, fearless, compassionate and true. Which is not bad. 

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - When We Have More Choice, We Actually Have less

I've been a firm believer of this. The more songs I have in my ipod the less I listen.

Books are the only exception.

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - Life and Death

Every moment we live, we are dying a bit.

Every moment we die, we live fully.

The Paradoxes of Life - Pain and Pleasure

All pain contains an element of pleasure.

All pleasure contains an element of pain.

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - Complaints and Gratitude

What (or who) we complain most against, are probably the ones to whom we must be the most grateful to. They are normally the ones who have given us the most in our lives and - and we still want more and more. We just take them for granted, we are thankless and many times plain angry and bitter for the simple reason that they gave us the most anybody has given us in this life.

Parents, friends, government, service providers, house help - you check your list and see if it works out for you. For me it works out perfectly. People who gave me the most I complain against most. People who give me nothing also get nothing from me.

Could I just be more grateful to those about whom I am complaining about?

The Paradoxes of Life - Truth is the Best Deception

It is true - to deceive, most often all you have to do is tell the truth. People find it hard to believe the truth.

If you can tell the truth as it is - you can be a master deceiver. You will keep people guessing.

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - To Fly High, Stay Grounded

The more grounded you are, the higher you can fly.

The ones who are flying the highest, are the ones who are most grounded. The ones who are always flying in the air, building castles without foundations, never take off from the ground.

The Paradoxes of Our Life - Responsibility Is Freedom

"Freedom comes with Responsibility" - sounds rather intimidating. It's like we are tagging freedom with something heavy.

But "Responsibility Is Freedom" takes on a different hue. It's intriguing that a heavy word like responsibility can bring on something so light as freedom.

When we take responsibility, we are choosing freedom to do it our way. Until then we are bound by some other way.

When we do not take responsibility, we are saying, I will do as you say. I will not take responsibility because it's not mine. And I don't mind being bound by your diktat on it, I will trade my freedom by not choosing to take responsibility.

The moment I choose to take responsibility, I am free. To do as I wish. To expand my scope and fill the entire landscape instead of staying in my corner.

In that freedom I can create something beautiful.

What seems heavy and burdensome, actually is uplifting.

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - What We Really Want, We Live

What we truly want, we live.

We live that life without explanations. without justifications. Without feeling its lack. It just is.

Beyond that is stuff we aren't living - but want. More money, more success, more love, more fun, more happiness. That 'more' is the stuff we aren't sure about.

Should we want that stuff? Why is not part of our lives already if we want it? Are we to force it?

Or just be.

We are. We are not trying to be.

For a reason.

But when we see the more, we are aware of the lack. It changes things.

More is not merely about growth. It's about how we want to achieve the growth. Do we do it by feeling small and less than or by seeing the magnificent possibilities out there?

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - Love and Fear

The most dangerous impostor is fear, that comes disguised as love. The one who loves through fear is still better off than that impostor.

The quality of fear disguised as love is that it inhibits growth and makes people feel less than themselves. The quality of love that prevails over fear is that which helps real growth.

Fear gives you easy options and keeps you stunted. Love enables growth - through tough lessons.

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - What We Believe Strongly As the Truth, Is Certainly A Lie

What we believe strongly (key word) to be the truth for ourselves, will most certainly show up as a lie we created for ourselves.

Strong beliefs have that tendency to overlook the obvious. To believe what we want to believe. Hitler did it, Bush did it, so many did it before us.

When suffering from strong beliefs, pipe down and check if the opposite is true. Whether what we believe is really the truth, or a big lie.

Helps move from stuck positions. (Caution: Stuck, by its very use, means that any movement from it could be painful! Have fun!!)

Paradoxes of Our Lives - To Really Experience Good, Be Good With the Bad

When we want something badly, to the extent of excluding everything, we are in reality, without even noticing it, even more attached to its opposite. Our focus shifts from what we want to what we don't want. And when we focus on what we don't want, we make that bigger and it becomes bigger than what you originally wanted.

What we have now created is a monster of what we don't want.

For example, our attachment to only 'good' can make us seek the smallest 'bad' in every experience. The smallest 'bad' becomes larger than the 'good' and infects the 'good'. This is a good way to make a possibly good thing bad.

To really experience 'good' it's perhaps best to actually be good with the 'bad' in it. In fact when we look at the 'bad' and 'good' in a nonjudgmental manner, there is a good chance of not letting the 'bad' drag us down, and while doing that, perhaps experiencing the 'good' for what it is.

I was reading the other day about a writer who aims for 100 rejections a year (she does not aim for positive results only). She gets a lot of good work done. But to get there she realised that she has to increase her rejection rate. Out of 100, a 5% hit rate is all she needs. The person who gets hurt at the first rejection and does not apply again has no chance, or less chance. The one who actually sees the rejections as just another part of the process, actually sees more highs. (The one who actually seeks only highs and judges the lows, will certainly sink.)

If I want more 'good', I need more 'bad' experiences (or what I would judge them as 'bad' for the sake of this conversation). When I am ok with meeting so many 'bad' I have stopped judging them, and am perhaps even fine with them. Most experiences could be 'bad', but a few could turn out 'good'. Then perhaps I can enjoy and appreciate the 'good' that much more when it happens.

To appreciate something, to secretly want something, the trick seems to go the other way then. Seek the opposite out actively, get comfortable with it. Don't judge it. And from it will emerge your 'good'.

  

The Paradoxes of Our Lives - To Be Authentic to The World, First Be Authentic to Yourself

First ask yourself, why are you doing what you are doing?

If it is what you would do wholeheartedly, do it. If not, refrain.

Do what pleases you. Save your time and energy for things that help you move forward.

When you do things for reasons that are not authentic, you are doing it to please someone. Maybe because you don't want to hurt them. Or lower their expectations.

But you don't need to buy or beg for love. You can give it from a place of giving.

To do that, give it to yourself first until the cup runs full. When you direct the flow of love first to yourself, some people might fall off. So be it. They were there for the wrong reasons too.

Over time you will be in an authentic space. I reckon, a more peaceful space. You will be with authentic people who accept you as you are, with no expectations.

The Paradoxes of Life - To Experience Life Deeply, Get Out of Its Way

To experience life deeply, get out of its way. Don't control it, prejudge it, second guess it.

Pic courtesy: Satish Nargundkar

Let it flow. Be open and receive.

The Paradoxes of Our Lives -We Resent Those Who Give, We Cannot Resent Those Who Don't

Perhaps one of the greatest learnings. We resent, get angry and expect more only with those who give us something. Family, friends, employers, society, country - the more one gives, the bigger the villain she or he becomes. Those who do not give us, we cannot resent or get angry or expect.

With those who give, we always feel we are geting shortchanged. We want more. Instead of feeling gratitude for what we are getting already. Or what we got.

So our anger today is directed at those who we perceive as the ones who must give and give and give and more and more and more. Any lowering of our expectations, even perceptively, will cause much anger.

At the same time we almost grovel before those who give us nothing. The fact that they deigned to even spare a look makes us eternally grateful to them.

To be grateful for what we got, in whatever measure, from all those who gave. right or wrong, and helped us in our journey, could dissipate the anger. Could lead to better possibilities - not necessarily with the old and resented ground - but with the newer grounds. 

The Paradoxes of our Lives - To be Secure, Embrace Insecurity

To be truly secure, we must embrace insecurity. Uncertainty.

Once we are okay with uncertainty, we are truly secure.

Anjali - I Will Publish It

I was rummaging through my old papers and discovered a file full of rejection slips from publishers and agents for my early works of literature - 'The Misfit' followed by 'The Men Within' and then 'The Tryst' and a collection of short stories. It was a nice file, full of various comments on why the proposal was not good enough - 'not enough narrative energy' said one, 'too many cliches' said another, 'falls into young adult fiction' said another - and on and on. I found two or three names of sub editors and editors on rejection slips - the same people were moving about from one publishing house to another - but what they did consistently was reject my proposals. Of course my proposals themselves were fun to read, amateurish, full of myself, all over the place. But honest, and full of hope.

It was interesting to see the file - and for a moment thought I would throw it away. What was the point of keeping these rejection slips? Then I decided to keep it to remind me of  my journey.

Anjali came by and I showed her the first manuscript of 'The Misfit' my first ever attempt at fiction and the file full of rejection slips.

'Wow!' she said, looking at the old manuscript. 'Don't throw it away.'
I had been junking much of the old stuff so she must have thought I would junk this one too.
'I am not,' I said. 'But what do you want to do with it?'

She came around and gave me a hug.
'I will publish it,' she said in all seriousness.

Somehow she sensed, despite my matter-of-fact demeanour, that much work had gone in. And for an eight year old who has no real idea what it means to publish a book, it was a very nice thing to say to her old man. We joked that we might end up publishing it and being the only two people to read it, but it was a moment that left its mark on me for the sheer spontaneity. Somehow, after this, it will not matter to me if it does not get published ever by anyone else.

Anjali went a step further.

Yesterday, she showed me her cricket bat and told me - 'The next publisher who will reject 'The Misfit' will get one from me like this.' And she proceeded to give the sofa one meaty blow.

I must remember to keep that file of rejection slips away from Anjali in the interests of the publishers. But secretly, I always craved to have support like this.