The byline - 'How to discuss what matters most' - says it all (as most bylines do). The authors were part of the Harvard Negotiation Project so that makes it all the more credible. Vinod gave it to me with instructions to return so I guess its an important book. I certainly needed it. After reading it I realised I am very ill equipped for 'Difficult Conversations' since I do not tick many boxes and seem to tick all the 'Dont' boxes. I am sure this book will change my outlook to Difficult Conversations in future and hopefully show some improvement going forward.
A Difficult Conversation is defined as anything we find hard to talk about. Anytime we feel vulnerable, where our self-esteem is implicated, where issues are important and outcomes uncertain, when we care deeply about the issue or about the people, it is a Difficult Conversation. Since these conversations are a normal feature in life and we cannot fully avoid them, some understanding on how to go about will reduce fear and anxiety that surround the Difficult Conversations. So let's plough on.
The formula in a nutshell
Step 1 - Walk through these 3 conversations (which are normally the core of Difficult Conversations)
- The 'What Happened' Conversation (remember there are Multiple stories not just yours, There is impact and intent - so do not assume intent and instead talk of impact, No one side is to blame as both have contributed)
- Feelings Conversation - expressing feelings that surround the situation is important as Difficult Conversations are mostly about unsaid feelings
- Identity Conversation - Seeing how your identity or self-image is affecting the conversation
Step 2 - Check your Purposes and decide whether to raise the issue
Step 3 - Start from the third story (not yours, theirs but the third story as a mediator from the outside)
Step 4 - Explore their story and yours
Step 5 - Problem solving
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The authors have brought down all Difficult Conversations to about 3 conversations - there is a common structure to all Difficult Conversations. The problem arises when we do not understand what the other person is thinking/feeling but not saying. The gap between what is unsaid and what they feel or think is what makes the conversation difficult.
The 3 conversations are
1) What Happened - the disagreement about what actually happened
2) The feelings (are our feelings valid or appropriate in the situation or should we take feelings out of the equation)
3) Our identity (what will the conversation do to my identity or self-image)
1. 'What Happened' Conversations - three issues that we must be aware of
a) what we think as the truth is not the only truth (there are multiple stories involved)
b) what they intend is just an assumption (intentions are invisible)
c) there is not one person to blame (both have contributed in some way or another)
a) Truth - Stop arguing about who is right and explore each other's stories. Arguing blocks exploration. Understand there are different stories and perceptions at play. Move from certainty to curiosity and embrace both stories. Adopt the 'And' stance.
b) Don't assume intent - disentangle intent from impact because we tend to assume the worst, listen for feelings, reflect on your intention
c) Abandon blame - map the contribution system. Blame is judging which looks backward, while contribution is understanding which looks forward. Contribution is also joint and interactive. (Some hard to spot ways in which you would have contributed are - avoiding until now, being unapproachable, problematic role assumptions). Role reversal and observer insight can help understand the other better. To help them understand their contribution - make your observation explicit and clarify what you would have them do
II. 'Feelings' Conversations
These are what make conversations difficult. If one can address and express their feelings surrounding the situation it helps make the conversations better.
Have your feelings or they will have you they say. Solving problems seems easier than talking about emotions. Feelings are the heart of difficult conversations. Our failure to acknowledge and discuss feelings derails Difficult Conversations. You cannot have an effective conversation without talking about the primary issues.
Unspoken feelings colour the conversation - they alter toNe, body language, facial expressions, cause detachment, bring in sarcasm, aggressiveness, impatience, defensive behavior and disengagement.
Unexpressed feelings can burst into conversations making it difficult to listen. The hardest part of Difficult Conversations is expressing and listening. Unexpressed feelings block ability to listen. Unexpressed feelings take toll on self-esteem and relationships.
To understand your feelings better
Find your feelings - explore your emotional footprint, remember that your feelings are as important as others, that feelings are normal and natural, that good people can have bad feelings
Find a bundle of feelings behind simple labels
Find feelings hiding under attributions, judgments, accusations
Remember that you can negotiate with feelings.
The key to handle this - Recognise that feelings are formed in response to our thoughts. The route to changing your feelings is through changing your thoughts.
When you're having a Difficult Conversation - Don't vent, describe your feelings carefully, see the difference between being emotional and expressing emotions, frame feelings back into the problem, express the full spectrum of your feelings, don't evaluate, just show, express without judgment or blame
Start with ' I feel...'Get everything you are feeling into the conversation.
Acknowledging feelings is crucial in any relationship. Sometimes feelings are all that matter. Don't go from describing feelings to problem solving. Its important to acknowledge their feelings. Acknowledge that what they have said has made an impression on you, that these feelings matter, that you're trying to understand.
3) The 'Identity' Conversation
It is a very subtle area and needs greater awareness to what identities we are holding on to and how that is impacting the conversation. To get over the Identity issue, ground your identity and ask what's at stake.
The three core identities that are threatened are
1) am I competent
2) am I a good person
3) am I worthy of love
Identity quakes can knock us off balance. You need to regain balance quickly. Thinking clearly and honestly about who you are can help reduce anxiety.
Vulnerable identities are - all or nothing syndrome (good/bad, perfect/ worthless) denial or exaggeration
To ground your identity - complexify your identity (adopt an And stance so you are not all or nothing)
Remember 3 things to make your self-image easier
1) you make mistakes
2) your intentions are complex
3) you contributed to the problem
To regain balance when identity is threatened and you're off balance
1) don't try to control their reactions
2) prepare for their responses
3) imagine how you will look at it from the future
4) take a break
Raise identity issues explicitly. Often Difficult Conversations are wrapped up in both people reacting to what the conversation seems to be saying about them
Ask for help
Creating a Learning Conversation
Overall the idea is to make the Difficult Conversations into Learning Conversations - that there is different information and there are different perceptions, by exploring each others stories, by sharing the impact it had on each other, by agreeing that both have contributed, by accepting that feelings are at the heart of the conversation, by addressing feelings without judgments and attributions, by attributing complexity for each, by understanding the identity issues of both, by building a more complex self-image for better balance etc can make for learning conversations.
The 3 conversations that don't make sense
1) when the real conflict is inside you
2) when there is a better way to resolve than talking (like actions instead of words)
3) when we have purposes that make sense?
Remember, we cannot change other people. we can only change ourselves. Don't focus on short term relief and long term cost. dont hit and run.
Letting go - Adopting some liberating assumptions
1) its not my responsibility to make things better, It's my responsibility to do my best
2) they have limitations too
3) this conflict is not who I am
4) letting go does not mean I not longer care
If you raise the Difficult Conversation 3 purposes that work
1) learning from their story
2) expressing your views freely
3) problem solving together
Getting started
Step One - Begin from the 3rd story (yours, mine, 3rd/ think like a mediator, learn to describe the gap between your story and theirs)
Step 2 - extend an invitation (describe your purposes, invite, don't impose, make them a partner in figuring it out, be persistent)
Map - their story, your story, 3rd story (when talking explore where each story comes from, share impact on you, take responsibility for your contribution, describe feelings
Listening from the Inside out
Listening is one of the most important skills for Difficult Conversations. It helps understand them and you. Helps them listen to you.
Forget the words, focus on authenticity
Manage your internal voice
3 skills
1) inquiry (ask open ended questions, seek concrete information)
2) paraphrasing
3) acknowledgment (their feelings before problem solving)
Empathy is a journey.
Expression - Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power
Remember you are entitled to your expression. You are no more, no less than the other. Don't self-sabotage yourself. Failure to express yourself keeps you out of the relationships. feel entitled, not obligated.
3 guidelines to tell your story with clarity
1) your conclusions are not the truth
2) share where your conclusions came from
3) Don't use 'Always' and 'Never' exaggerations
To help them understand you 1) paraphrase back to you 2) ask how they see it differently
Problem Solving
Take the lead
Reframe (take the essence of what the other person is saying and translate it into concepts that are more helpful
Use concepts for the 3 conversations
Listen - be persistent (you cannot move the conversation in a positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood)
Name the dynamic - make the trouble explicit
Begin to problem solve
Invent options
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I can see all my shortcomings in difficult conversations - sometimes the what happened is colored, i never express my feelings properly without getting triggered, I take an 'always' or 'never' approach, my identity gets easily threatened and I withdraw or disengage, I assume intent, do not clearly state the impact on me, use blame and detest contribution. What I also realise is that when someone deals with me, they are already set up for a difficult conversation! The book has made me realise these shortcomings and just yesterday I caught myself using an 'always' statement and caught myself. My self-talk is on a 'never' story.
Awareness then is the beginning and I am certain I will be able to build on this and maybe reduce fear and anxiety over these conversations. Thanks Vinod bhai and thanks book!
