Article in the Indian Express - August 14, 2010

This article appeared in my column Un Intended in the New Indian Express on August 14, 2010.

Converting the Toilet Paper Users Of The World

The Commonwealth Games is in the news for all the wrong reasons. The administrators are running helter skelter from daily exposes into their alleged wrong doings. But on closer look, one realizes that one section of administrators of the CWG are indeed true patriots, striving fearlessly to make India a superpower and to save the world. I had the honour of meeting one member of this secret band of patriots under a half constructed stadium.

“How are you doing it?” I asked curiously shielding myself from water leaking from the roof. He spoke through a scarf covering his face. “If you notice carefully, among the many highly priced items bought by the CWG as reported on television were toilet rolls, bought at Rs. 4000 a roll. We can get them for Rs. 40,” he revealed. “Then?” I asked. “We used toilet paper to attract global attention,” he whispered. “Attention to what? I asked. “To the fact that we Indians have been cheated,” he answered. “You see, ever since the world told us to use less paper to save the environment, we in India stopped all paperwork. And the rest of the world is merrily using paper for all sorts of things. Isn’t it unfair?” he asked. I nodded slowly.

“It is time to reveal the toilet roll conspiracy,” he declared. My heart was pounding.

He continued. “We in India have always been against flushing paper down the drain. And the rest of the world, holds all these climate talks and chops down millions of trees behind our backs to flush them down, ‘ he hissed. ‘The toilet carbon footprint will show up on our backsides soon, if we do not do something about it.’ I listened angrily. My banks have stopped sending me credit card statements to save paper and I am paying late payment fees, while their top management is probably using up all the paper they saved.

So what next, I asked. “We have a charter of demands that we’ll put up before the toilets are erected at the CWG,’ he revealed. “First, phased removal of toilet paper from the world. This is non-negotiable. Second, big users of toilet paper (the USA) must compensate other countries, especially those countries not using toilet paper”. “This will make India a rich superpower overnight!” I jumped up in excitement. “Precisely,” he continued. “Thirdly, toilet paper to carry pictures of people dying due to environmental degradation so people get frightened to use toilet paper. Then, a deadline to train these toilet-paper-environment-degraders to non-toilet paper ways”. “This provides India a great opportunity to start several BPOs involved in training,” I cried out. “Everyone would be employed!”

 “But will your demands be met?” I asked doubtfully. “If they’re not,” he replied ominously. “We’ll make sure that it hurts to visit the toilet.”

 I winced. ‘Bravo. If this brave step was not taken by you, no one would have known of this dirty toilet paper business,’ He smiled.

“Even if this scenario does not happen,” he said. “It will make foreign athletes careful about using toilet paper during the CWG. With their minds on the prices of toilet papers, air conditioners, lifts, tiles and leaks they will not be able to perform. And India will win many medals since we are used to all this anyway.”

My humble suggestion to the concerned Ministry is that a couple of medals be kept aside for these wonderful environmentalists and patriots. Not for corruption and stuff. For bravery!

Road. Movie. - Movie Review

This one by Dev Benegal is set in the desert (just in case anyone has any doubt they also give the desert in Rajasthan, a credit). Now I must get over with this quickly even though I saw it over four days on the video. Abhay Deol lives in a small town in Rajasthan and is the son of a famous hair oil manufacturer - one of those small town brands with its own tagline like sar ko thanda rakho, mardangi badao, lagao atma kesh tel or something like that. Anyway Abhay does not like this hair oil business and ....that's it, he has no other plans but to dislike his father's business. He bumps into his Dad's friend or relative, an old guy who has an even older truck, and offers to drive the truck - somewhere, (don't ask). Frankly I have no clue why the old guy was driving that old truck anywhere except that he could be suicidal, and only after sometime into the road did I realise that its a moving theatre, a talkies that can be set up anywhere. Anyway the old guy, after giving half hearted advise to Abhay (whose name is Vishnu by the way) to help his Dad in the hair oil business, lets him drive the truck. Somewhere. He probably hoped that he did Abhay's father a great service by this act.
Personally, I would not have trusted that boy with anything. Also, if anyone sends anyone on that truck, you can figure that they are not the best of friends.

So Abhay sets off on the truck, movie equipment and all, and a few cartons of his father's hair oil to sell to potential customers in the desert. Soon he is in the desert and we are shown extensive footage of the desert from various angles and it gets you rather thirsty and makes you want to get away someplace else. He drives and drives and drives and drives and drives and we watch and watch and watch and watch until he  finally stops at a dhaba and picks up the most infuriating boy who works there, as his helper. On the condition that he will not speak or ask questions. That was rather tough on me because that boy was doing all the talking and doing a better job than Abhay or the truck until that point. Anyway it's rather predictable that the boy babbles on like a brook (oops, sorry, wrong word to use in the desert) and even more predictably, the truck stops at some point, most likely out of boredom, to ask the director what the whole point was.

While Abhay does some incomprehensible things like sleeping and hoping that the truck will start by itself or hoping that its a bad dream he will wake up from, the practical boy helper goes and fetches an overweight Satish Kaushik, or chacha, who is a mechanic. Chacha gets the truck running in a few ticks and his only wish is to get to the mela - only no one knows where it is - and parks himself inside the truck. We drive and dive and dive ...okay, you get it right until some unpleasant cops get the truck and find out that Abhay Deol only has a license for a two wheeler! So to get away from the meanie who is banging villagers after hanging them upside down, they show him a cinema to buy their way out.

Next day, the truck goes on and on and on and on and on until Abhay Deol throws the two, chacha and the boy, out of the truck for eating his lunch. Predictably, the truck stops again to enquire from the director, allowing the duo to once again start the truck and get back on it, this time, with a promise to get chahca to the mela. And then all water is exhausted. Predictably.

Just when we think they will all die, a solitary girl (pred...ohh let it be) arrives on the scene with some water in the tiniest bag I have seen. They drink some water, ask her to hop on since she has make up and lipstick in the desert, and is decidedly better looking, and off they go. Predictably, chacha is too old for the girl, the boy is too young, so Abhay's antennae go up. Suddenly the brown desert becomes white which is a good change and for some reason the movie also shifts gear. The foursome decide to set up the movie for no one, and within no time a million people come over and there is a carnival, a mela. These guys make a killing showing movies. Abhay and the girl meanwhile make out heavily under the truck.

The villain enters, a band of water dacoits, stops the happy truck, and claims the best thing in the truck, the girl. Here the movie has its most interesting moments as Abhay steps up and shows the villain that to be a real man he needs his father's hair oil. And lo behold, the dacoit is sold. The foursome (our foursome) strike a deal with the water dacoit, hair oil for water, and head off to their destination which is nowehere. As things look decidedly better for us all, they bump into a sad lot of thirsty villagers wandering the desert for water. Satish Kaushik gives them all water, Abhay Deol shows them a movie and Satish Kaushik, predictably, dies.

Anyone would die of boredom by now. Actually we don't really care if all of them die by now. But there is work to be done still. They bury the chacha in the desert (must have taken up a big hole that bod) and head off. The girl figures that she will be going round in circles in the desert with this guy all her life (and  he does not even have a mechanic cum movie technician now) and quickly gets off the truck. Abhay plants a superb kiss on her mouth in an electrifying moment and that is when you see that she has rather powerful arms. The kid decides that his future is better wandering the desert with the girl with those arms and who and kiss like that than Abhay Deol, and he gets off too. Abhay Deol, predictably, hits a highway in the next shot, a town, water or the sea, and actually runs his truck into the water.

In a poignant scene, a champi tel maalish chap comes over and gives the rather reticent Abhay a maalish as the movie draws to a close. You cannot really run away from your destiny my son! The next scene, we find that the hero of the movie, the truck, has disappeared and a new hero has appeared - a new motorbike. Maybe Abhay Deol sold off the truck but I did not really want to find out by then. The titles at the end were interestingly displayed. A lot of foreign technicians appeared to be involved in this making.
Anyway, I'd recommend this movie to all movie goers since Suhita has acted in it!

The Men Within - Making of The Movie

It has been a wonderful experience to be part of the crew that is making the movie based on 'The Men Within'. Shooting started sometime late in April or the first week of May 2010. We had all got a bit into the cricket playing mood thanks to the indoor cricket tournament that we played under the Art Beat Capital banner, (Sumanth was pretty much the star of the show with some sensible batting and bowling that made a big difference and even Mohana Krishna and Sagar turned their arm around in a match), and we were all set for the shooting. The youngsters had a couple of week s of coaching under Baig saab's eye at the ML Jaisimha Indoor Cricket Academy and even played a couple of practice matches. The initial part of the shoot was in All Saints and I went for a few hours with Bro. Joseph one day. My real job was when the cricket shooting began.

Come May 11, the hottest day last summer, and we were all called to the ground. Since we needed a couple more teacher like cricketers Pawan and Suri consented to spare some time. On May 11th then, we played in the blazing hot sun, when it was difficult to even sit in the shade. Sitting beside a highly rated young director like Mohana Krishna under the director's umbrella and watching an accomplished technician like Senthil operating the camera from close range, is a rare privilege and I consider myself lucky for that. And I also realised that this process is at its most interesting at that range.

Each shot was taken meticulously. If Mohan wanted a particular shot in a certain way and was happy with the result, Senthil would always insist gently that they could try another shot and invariably that turned out better. I realised how meticulous the planning has to be in the director's mind. Its almost as if he has seen the entire movie shot by shot in his head and he comes to the shoot and is ready to make it happen. I realised how much clarity one needs to be in the director's seat, how much in control he needs to be since the entire unit is looking to him for directions. Even the cinematogropher, Senthil, is clear in his mind that this is entirely the director's vision  and his job is only to enhance his vision. And everything in the set, the shoot does exactly that. It is really amazing that this one person has this hole thing planned out in his head and everyone else helps execute it.

I must mention how amazing it was to see the entire unit function from the first day I went. I realised that there are several departments all working like perfect clockwork so that we are all ready at the location before 7 a.m. and ready to shoot. There is the director and his team of assistants (one chief AD, and a team of several others setting up everything ready for the shoot), the cinematographer and his team of assistants (from the light variation to setting up the tracks, lenses, changing magazines etc), production guys taking care of the needs of all the people on the set, catering guys having everything ready for everyone hot and in good shape whether there are 30 guys or 600, set department, artistes, junior artistes, transportation, costumes (they have to keep everything ready for everyone), the finance guys, the executive producer, the co-producer, and I do not know how many more departments work in tandem. Every one, every single person, is ready by the time the first shot is ready for take at 7 in the morning. And it goes on all day till the director calls 'Pack up' at 630 p.m. at the end of the day.

If the Director is the captain of the ship, the Producer owns the ship, the Executive Producer represents the Producer on location and ensures that the money is well spent and the shooting is going on, the co-Producer ensures that all call sheets are given and the actual shooting is going on. One meets all kinds of people with hope, passion, talent, commitment working like their lives depended on it. I will take you through some of the things I noticed in my time at the sets, people I met, things that happened before I forget.

Article in the Indian Express - August 7, 2010

This article appeared in the New Indian Express on August 7, 2010


Learning Corruption Hands-On At The Political Academy

There is an urgent need to produce good leaders who can lead us into a golden future. Unfortunately there are no institutes to train politicians. Most politicians are born or married into politicians’ families or they have become politicians to escape the law or the tax man. This is not a very scientific method of producing leaders. We need academies like IIMs and IITs, with a proper curriculum, so we produce the best. After all, politics is the most lucrative career, far ahead of crime, and deserves its own academy. And as a responsible citizen, I have done my bit and put together a brief on a politician’s academy (based on news reports that I read).

First, the eligibility criteria. Though all are eligible to become world leaders, including severely challenged minds as we know, only unpolluted minds can apply to this elite academy – i.e. those who are clueless about law, human rights and basic etiquette. Good leaders have a different mindset. If they start respecting things like the law and humans they cannot create chaos in traffic and airports, start scams, wars, and riots, and erect their statues all over, can they? So, unpolluted minds only!

The entrance exam (PAT – Political Aptitude Test) would select candidates who can twist and flout rules to come first– including cheating at the exam. Those with work experience will get first preference of course, if they submit proof (of murder, kidnap, fraud etc). Such candidates are good raw material because they need no further training in breaking objects and bones in the assembly or parliament where they finally land up. They can hit the ground running. They can hit anything.

Since Group Discussions simulate assembly sessions, it literally eliminates several candidates in spite of ambulances and riot police waiting outside. Only the fittest survive for the final interview with the CBI, which is where all politicians worth their salt dream of ending up someday. And only aspirants who handle the interview creatively – from coercing to lying, threatening to bribing, crying to offering sex, get picked.

First year curriculum includes subjects like ‘The Art of Denial’, ‘Fooling the Lie Detector’, ‘Being Irresponsible’ and ‘Cover Up Operations’. During this period, students are trained to deny everything, lie about everything, take no responsibility at all and cover up everything they do. Once these magnificent qualities are in place, aspiring leaders are ready to lead and handle any crises. Second year courses such as ‘Grab The Chair’ (an advanced version of Musical Chairs), ‘Give Clean Chits to Friends’, ‘Loopholes In Law’, ‘Advanced Rioting Methods’, ‘Starting a War’, ‘Crying On Camera‘, ‘Communal Marketing’ etc are aimed at sustaining power.

A special elective on financial planning is included. Part one deals with increasing efficiency - how to accumulate the most money in the shortest time, and Part two with distribution - how to hide millions in a maze of banks and accounts so no one knows. Sometimes even they don’t.

It cannot be all commerce of course. Family values are important. Subjects range from ‘Keeping power within the family’, ‘Benefiting Maximum Number of Family Members’ and ‘Starting off Second Families’. Optional courses include socializing with film personalities, using twitter and facebook, sleeping on the dais without being caught, escaping sting operations, having relationships without making children etc.

The market is huge. Faculty is top class –former Presidents to Businessmen, Bankers to Judges, Crooks to Cops. Placement is assured. Returns are great. The only hitch I can foresee for this wonderful model is that this Academy may never get approval from our leaders. Who would want unnecessary, trained competition?

Top 10 music themes

These are the top 10 music scores, mostly in movies.

1) The Sholay theme
Haunting, hopeful, call of the wild kind of a music. Most memorable during the titles when the jailer is heading to Thakur's house on horseback.



2) Saajan's theme music
Very romantic. I saw the movie in Patna in 1992 and can still remember the tune. 

3) Chariots of Fire theme music
Vangelis. Masterpiece. Will make it my all time favourites.

4) James Bond theme music
Unmistakable. Probably the best known theme music in the world.

5) The Godfather's theme music
Very haunting. I heard it much after watching the movie. Very soulful.

6) Love Story theme music
Another of those tunes we have all heard somewhere surely. Wonderful composition.

7) Top Gun theme music
Makes you fly. It's perfect for the movie.

8) Come September theme music
Again, heard this in school. Never knew where it came from. Got the name one day. Then watched the movie. Fantastic.

9) Beverly Hills Cop, Axel F theme music
It was just right for the movie again. Had a cult following.

10) Salaam Bombay theme music
L Subramaniam's music for Salaam Bombay was moving. It was incredibly sad. The violin worked amazing emotions. Still have the entire composition in my head. Takes me back right there. The cover of the cassette, the mood of the movie, listening to it in dim, dark nights. Brilliant.

Top 10 Scenes

Let me think this up very quickly - first come, first served.

1) Amitabh dying in Sholay
Not a dry eye in the house. Why did he have to die? And the coin with two similar sides was a master stroke. I win whichever way. Brilliant stuff Salim - Javed.

2) Aamir hitting the six in Lagaan
You know he will do it but you're still rooting for the honest, brave Bhuvan and when he does it, you're elated, flying in ecstasy as if you had done it. That is what an honest effort can do.

3) Amitabh's drunken scene in Amar, Akbar, Anthony
Roll in the aisles my friends, there is nothing else you can do but roll in the aisles at this scene. It's unbelievably funny as he sticks the band aid very considerately on the mirror and blows on it for good effect.

4) Aamir fighting back in Ghulam
Aamir the boxer challenging Sharath Saxena, the local goon to a public fight and much like Mohammed Ali in his famous fight, just not giving up after all the battering, and coming back each time until Sharath Saxena finally gives up.

5) Amitabh locking up the door to the warehouse in Deewaar and throwing away the key
Another master piece by Salim-Javed. Here are the goons waiting for Amitabh and he enters their den, locks it up, throws away the key and challenges them that he will unlock it after kicking their butt. And he stops the villain who is running away from him by opening the door, and opens it himself! Maine kaha tha ki darwaza mein kholoonga!

6) Dharmendra in the water tank scene in Sholay
This scene is hilarious right from the moment Amitabh goes to maushi with the proposal and honestly lists out Dharam's good qualities to maushi. And even as maushi is recovering from her future damaad's good qualities, Amitabh signs off with a cheery 'Tok baat pakki samjhun maushi?'. To undo his friend's efforts, Dharam climbs the water tank and makes his love and angst public to the villagers. 'Yes angrez suicide kyon karte hain?'

7) The athletes carrying their bob sled to finish the race after they fall in Cool Runnings
Coming from nowhere the Jamaican bob sled team shows a few things about playing the game - stick to one another, be true to yourself, give your best shot and believe in one another. And when their rickety bob sled breaks down in a record threatening run, the athletes walk out, lift the broken down bob sled on their shoulders and cross the line to the admiration of their worst critics. Epitomising the spirit of sport, it shows that you earn respect not by winning or losing but by the way you play. Goose pimply stuff and brings a tear to the eye.

8) Killing of Sonny Corleone in The Godfather
Dramatic in the book for the way it is introduced, this scene was brilliantly in the movie as well.

9) Annu Kapoor relieving Sunny Deol of his car, flat in Arjun
 In a moment of political opportunism Annu Kapoor relieves Sunny deol, whom they use for their political agenda, of all the stuff they give him - car, house - and brushes him off like a fly. Annu Kapoor is superb in this scene as the ultimate professional, the chameleon who can change his colours in a moment. You just don't know what and whom to believe in anymore.

10) Sanjeev Kumar in the pakoda scene in Angoor
Delightful, as the rest of the movie is. As the identical twin brother of Deepti Naval's sister's husband who is mistakenly caught up in their house, Sanjeev Kumar hatches a plan to mix pakodas with a sedative and escape. Only, he falls for the pakodas, Deepti Naval and sedates himself. Deven Varma singing 'Preetam aan milo' to no effect on his boss, his attempts at trying to get away from his sister in law, Aruna Irani, are hilarious.

11) Sean Connery dying and the railway station scene in 'The Untouchables' 
Sean Connery's death in the movie is totally unexpected as he is lured into a trap and shot at a critical juncture in the movie. The big, blustering, wisecracking Irishman's absence takes the soul out of the movie for only the slightest while. And then the classic railway station scene where Andy Garcia takes the shot to take out the villain on the steps, falling cradle with baby and all, is an absolute treat.


Absolutely random!

Top 10 Movie Experiences

I will take a leaf out of Raja's book and start off on my top 10 lists. This list is about the movie experiences, which means that it is not about the movie at all but my experience in the movie for whatever reasons. So all you critics can hold your comments that you're dying to shoot off at me. This is random and in some parts chronological.

1. Towering Inferno
Watched it in Alankar theatre Warangal as a ten year old and my eyes popped out at the drama, the tragedy, the heroics and the fight for survival. That movie got me for sheer scale cause I never saw anything like that before. And it was a second show that my father thoughtfully took us all to, after putting down his foot in the morning when I asked if I could go with my friend's and their family because he thought it would be too scary!

2. Sholay
This multi-starrer got into the veins of a small ten year old from Warangal even at its promotion stage. And when Sholay actually hit the theatres, it was one of the most difficult movies to get tickets to. Somebody had to pull a few strings to get us tickets and all of us kids went in a small car owned by one of Dad's assistants  - a car which we named fondly as the 'Sholay car'. I forget the name of the theatre in Hanamkonda but I know where it is, right on the main road to the left as we go to Warangal. We all got scared at Gabbar's theatrics, got shocked when Thakur's shawl fell off, got bored with Jaya Bhaduri and her extreme behavior, got turned on when Helen bumped and grinded her hips, cried when Amitabh died and laughed at Dharmendra's antics. Super movie stuff. Watched it several times and think its still worth a watch.

3. Enter The Dragon
I watched it in a Hyderabad theatre, probably Srinivasa, and can never forget the experience of watching Bruce Lee tear into his opponents with his bare hands. It was so powerful that when I walked out of the theatre I had my fists clenched and would have caused serious damage to anyone who had the stupidity to challenge me then. The final fight amidst the mirrors, with the iron claws, it was sheer adrenalin running through. I haven't felt that powerful ever.

4. Don
The hoardings were full of Amitabh, running full throttle to escape his pursuers. Don was another stylish flick with Amitabh at his very stylish best. It was pacy, racy, full of intrigue and twists and turns until the end as Amitabh runs, dodges, twists and turns his way to fit in with the flow. I watched it several times - five at least. I remember bribing our tailor Ahmed in Hyderabad to take me to the movie a second time in one of those three theatres that stood in a row near Muzzamjahi market - Navrang, I guess. Wonder how Mom let me watch it twice in a week.

5. Abba The Movie
Sometime in 1977 when this movie came to Hyderabad, my sister Chanti and I pestered Bavagaru to take us to the movie. He came riding his scooter an ancient sky blue Allwyn Pushpak from work, and we both went by bus to Patny where he picked us up. We went to Tivoli to watch the movie and life was never the same again - at least for me. I fell in love with Anni Frid promptly, and thought she was incredibly sexy. The Abba music set me up with the huge big world of western music and from then on, I began listening to happy, irreverent, peppy, trendy, angry songs sung by western bands. Thanks Abba!

6. Mr. Boo
When I saw it first in Amaravathi with Mythily, I was still in school. But it was so funny then I remember thinking I'd die of laughing. It was so bad my laughing that I wanted the gags to stop so I could get my breath back. I must have got off the seat at least a couple of times. I saw it again many years later but it was not so funny that time.

7. Shubhalekha
Chiranjeevi and Sumalatha starred in this heartwarming love story of an educated waiter and a well read modern woman who had definite ideas on marriage and dowry. Great music, lovely story and fine memories. For the first time after many years, I was enamoured with the idea of normal, everyday people with honest ideas, living life the best they can, with humour and dignity. Watched it several times including once all by myself Satyam.

8. Geetanjali
Nagarjuna's tragic romance was one of the few movies that I watched several times. Don't know what it did, but it drew me and many other youngsters in those days to watch it again and again. Loved the songs, the romance, the cinematography and the experience. And I remember Chandu did some jugaad with the theatre management at Devi theatre to get us all tickets - we were studying in the University then. And oh, all the girls wore Geetanjali skirts those days and looked very pretty too.

9. Arjun
Another movie of the 80s that got released when we were in college. Sunny Deol's portrayal of a young, unemployed  Mumbai youth who takes on the system single handedly with his band of friends remains deeply etched in my mind. It was a pretty realistic depiction of the way things functioned those days and was shot very realistically by Rahul Rawail. The scene where Arjun's friend is murdered in the rain, in a sea of umbrellas, remains in the mind, just as the music is. I remember going to the movie with my pals from the OU Engineering College, Choudary, Sanjay, Ali and Subba Rao and we watched it at Venkataramana.
 

10. Lagaan
Ashutosh Gowariker and Aamir Khan's 'Lagaan' was a big emotional roller coaster for me. One, for the game of cricket which never found anyone worthy of making a movie remotely as dramatic as the game can be, another for the sheer story telling prowess of the director. It was amazing. I don't remember being on such a ride for many many years - tears, excitement, suspense - even when I knew who was winning in the end. Watched it at Vimal theatre with Shobha and Gunnu.

11. Shiva
Though its supposed to be a top 10 list, I decided to change the rules and add some more. Management prerogative. So I will add Ram Gopal Varma's 'Shiva' to the list because that happened at about the same time and was a Telugu, Hyderabadi version of 'Arjun'. Nagarjuna did what Sunny Deol did wonderfully, underplaying the role well and there were fantastic performances by all, specially Tanikella Bharani. I did not place this movie in the top 10 because I did not remember where I saw it, a prerequisite to be a  great movie experience!